I need people to understand the two whys in my life that have truthfully wreaked havoc! First, why am I so afraid? Secondly, why do I beat myself up so much? These two things have torn my life to pieces and have done it almost seamlessly. I’m writing this not for pity, but for understanding and context. Many of you probably can’t seem to put your thumb on why I won’t do something, and this is WHY!
Why am I so afraid? Do you ever feel as if everyone is watching you, just waiting to see you slip up and fail? Then you mess up and they go at you like wow, what a failure! I have found that when I care about someone, I put an extreme amount of pressure on myself. Always being careful to not get on their bad side or make them think, he’s a failure. It becomes so exhausting pursuing them and loving them, only to end up being afraid to lose them! So why am I so afraid? I am afraid because these situations I find myself in will require a leap!
Why do I beat myself up so much? This is one thing that I’m not proud to say that I’m the best at! There is a deeper reason and root to this why and I think that it spans over my twenty years of life. I have let just about every lie the enemy has invade my head! You aren’t good enough! You will always be a failure! No one loves you! And so on and so forth these lies keep going. So why do I beat myself up so much? Well, I know no other way! It has really turned into a coping mechanism for me!
I have absolutely no confidence and I know that my confidence should be in the Lord, but the enemy is having a “field day” with me! I’m tired of emotionally being beat up! My confidence has been drained because of words or actions said to or about me. I don’t want to be used as a pawn for your use. Being whipped from side to side only to find myself worn. I want to be encouraged and loved! Most of the time I am looking for a friend! Someone who is real with me and who challenges me, but who ultimately never gives up on me and who will pursue me even in my mess! That is WHY…friends!