Life on the Narrow Road

The Journey of a Christ Follower

i AM a WRECK

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You know those moments where you are sitting and you think to yourself, I Am A Wreck? Over and over again I am finding myself in this place and I am exhausted! I really don’t get how anybody can look at me and think I have it all put together. I’m probably the most shattered piece of glass, the most confusing puzzle and overall the biggest mess this world has ever seen! I don’t think I can remember the last time I felt partially put together. What I can say about all of this is that no matter how much of a wreck I am, I serve a King who comforts me!

I want to be completely transparent and honest with anyone who will take the time to read this! When I say I am a wreck, I mean, I don’t know how not to be negative about myself. I don’t know why God brought certain people into my life. Why do I even try? The more I care about people the more they seem to push away from me, as if I am some terrible person. I get close to a breakthrough I get sent right back down into that deep, dark pit! I want to be happy and joyful but all I find is confusion and anger! I’m tired of feeling like I am surrounded by a bunch of people who pretend. Just be real! I am mostly exhausted from being trampled on. I’m tired of people taking one look at me and determining that I am going nowhere in life.

All of this being said, I think today (Tuesday March 5, 2019) I found a peace, A True Peace! I got on my knees and pleaded to the Lord to hear my cry for help! It was in that time where I realized rock bottom might be where I am, but God has a plan for my life. One of the hardest parts about sharing this is that I have never displayed this much anger and brokenness in a vulnerable way like this. Even harder though is the fact that most won’t read this at all, and it will just become buried away. For those of you that do read this, know, Yes, I am a Wreck! However, I truly believe God is going to take this wreck of life of mine and use it for His Glory! I may be a shattered piece of glass, but I know that each day the Lord is mending it back together!

The Meaning of Serving

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Serving was never meant for self-gain, but for the glory of Christ and the giving up of self. Through observation I have realized that the most amazing servants God has placed on this earth have served with John 3:30 in mind. They don’t serve for money, for attention or for no reason. The purpose of why they serve is Jesus! They want to see His Kingdom built, not their “kingdom”. Most people love the lights and want to be seen, but another observation is that true servants are the real daily warriors. If this hits you like it has hit me then we might just witness a large chain reaction. I have been the opposite of these things, but God has been teaching me through people and circumstances what a true servant looks like.

Something that I strive after is the quality of joy in serving. All to often people burn out from serving. It is because they lost the true joy in serving and also, they only did it for self-gain. Serving always starts with the Lord. If we choose to something or someone above the Lord, we will find ourselves burnt out. Serving will always be built on sacrificially giving up of self and choosing to live a life where each day is a battle. That is why I called true servants, real warriors. Each day they wake up to a new day, where people will walk all over them. Also, they will likely live a life of going unnoticed. This is why there is beginning to be less and less true servants. Many, as is human nature, aren’t willing to give up of self completely for the Lord. Until we, yes all of us including me, decide to let self go and give all control over to Christ, more and more true servants will vanish with a legacy that should be told but won’t.

All of these things have been convicting in my life as I so desirably want to be a true servant of Christ. I can say that I have started all my areas of serving with the sole intention of self-gain. It didn’t take me very long to ask myself why? Probably the greatest thing I have learned so far, and this also answers why, is that joy is found in self-sacrifice. I can’t tell you how many times I had to give up of self to go somewhere and it was in those moments that joy luminated. I don’t know about you all, but I am ready to leave the pain of serving for self-gain. I want to strive to live fully for Jesus and choose to serve fervently, even if people don’t understand.

All I Need Is You Lord

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All I need is the Lord, the Creator of All things, the Great I Am, My King. I have found myself becoming ungrateful of the Lord and of my life in general. I’ve been so blind to the truth that all I need is the Lord, but even in my blindness He provides for me. Sometimes I wonder why He has given me so much through my ungratefulness and it is in those moments that I know I need to praise Him. See the moment I choose to need something other than Jesus is a moment where I will be lost. I don’t want to be lost because far too often that is a place, I find myself.

People have told me that I need a job, I need my own car, I need a life, I need a perfect Christian girl or worse I need to get my priorities straight. You want to know what is wrong with this? It is usually based on confusion, a life lived in the motions and selfish pride. I don’t want that in these situations, I want the Lord. Maybe in my situations the Lord is saying Hey, I will provide for you, trust Me, GO and DO this. Or maybe He will put a girl in my life who is the opposite of perfection and who needs to hear the truth of His Word.

I don’t need a stable job, I Need Jesus and if this passion is real and from Him then I am confident that it will all work out and He will provide through it. I don’t need my own vehicle, I Need Jesus! Yes, I absolutely want my own vehicle and if the Lord wants me to have one, He will provide one for me, but I can’t worry that I don’t have one. Instead I must learn to be thankful for what I do have. I don’t need a perfect Christian girl, I Need Jesus! So, if He puts a girl into my life I refuse to look the other way even if she isn’t my quote on quote perfect match. No, I will choose to love her well and treat her with dignity and respect. See it isn’t about what I plan as my perfect life or perfect match it is what the Lord planned far before I was born.

All I need is You Jesus because I am broken. Many have of late, helped me to realize that I give off the body language of someone who is perfect and saint like. This statement has been so hard for me seeing as I and a couple other people are the only ones who know that isn’t true. I’m in a million pieces right now because of an absolutely heinous crime I committed against the Lord and others. I’m not fully ready yet to go into details about it, but I want all who read this to know that God broke a wall. Like a super large wall that I built, and thought would never be destroyed. I am not even remotely close to being even a quarter put back together again, but it was because of this moment in my life that I realized I need Jesus, ALWAYS. I only pray that we all will seek this daily. Personally, it is hard, I forget what He has done and choose to live for self. Let’s daily remind those around us that we ALL need More Jesus.

The Cultural Relater

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What is a cultural relater? Well, I came up with it like a few hours ago. However, I promise it makes sense. In order for me to make sense out of it I will need to break each word down, but before I do that I have realized that with this topic have come many challenges. All to often I find that those challenges turn into traps. I’m not one for traps, then again who really is, but I will plea to the Lord to guide me away from them because they are scary.

All right, cultural, what is that? Culture is all around us, it is diverse, and it is unique. I am finding that understanding cultures of all sorts is vitally important. The trap however with this is the truth that we (Christians) are in this world, but we are not supposed to be of this world. I ask myself, well then how can I better understand cultures without necessarily becoming of or like them? One of the easiest ways I do this is by simply observing. I like to say (at least to myself) that those observing from the outside know more than people think.

Relater, this is something by the Grace of God that I seem to do well, that is what people tell me at least. A relater relates. I know that might be the most profound statement you have ever heard. I’m a firm believer that relaters aren’t limited to things they have just gone through. They are absolutely stronger in those areas. I have seen God put people in my life that have gone through things I have never even begun to experience and yet somehow, I am able to find a way to relate with them. Something that will stick out about a relater or a relational person is that they are first, always mindful and aware of people and what is going on and they want to be there always if they are able. Secondly, a relater will never give up, no matter what.

What do we get when we combine these two things? A super relational person, but in all actuality,  you get for yourself someone who cares, A LOT. I want to tell you a true story about why I find these two things important. Today at church a new kid walked into class and he was not wanting to be in there. He sat on the ground next to the door the entire class and I was like, alright Lord, help me here. So I go sit by this kid and try to start a conversation with him, which leads to him asking a question…do you play Fortnite? It was from the point I said yes that this kid went from sad to happy. This is first All God and secondly the fact that I have chosen to understand something so large in this culture, helps me relate to many. I will say that yes, I do participate in this video game and I believe there is a healthy balance. Before I end, I need to say I am sorry. With this part of me I have realized that I look like a know it all. I never when I relate mean it that way and I pray you will forgive me.

Ahead to Now

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Ahead I will move and ahead I shall go. Way to often I find that instead of running my life looking ahead I run my life always looking behind me. As I enter a new year I realize that I have been running from many different things for the past twenty years. So instead of looking ahead I have been looking behind. Watching as my fears, sins, pains and struggles and lies all chase after me with relentless pursuit. It feels as if I am running in the dark, where all I know how to do is look back for the “monsters”.  Each of these “monsters” have played a role in my life that has caused me to live my life scared and protected by my bubble.

Fear has caused me so many problems over my entire life. Has there been One day where I haven’t seen fear on my tail? Nope! Whether it be small things or big things, I find that I spend half my life fearing. Sin, the dark and scary “monster”, it is the one that frightens me the most. If it catches me, I feel as if I have failed and let Christ down and also others around me. It has caught up to me way too many times and all it does is hurt and weigh me down. Pains and struggles, the one that hurts and causes so much confusion. To me it’s not even that it catches up to me, but that they seem to capture everyone around me and I don’t know what to do. I watch as people around me get “caught” yet run the race with great faith and perseverance.

Then I look at my life, what I see is someone who is living their life in the comfortable bubble, running a race the opposite of the others all while never seeming to be caught by this “monster” called pain and struggle. Oh, the cunning and most frightening “monster” of them all, LIES! Lies are the reason I pursue most things with fear attached or why I do things half mass. You’re not good enough! (Christ is though) You will never amount to anything! (Christ says otherwise) You aren’t smart! (Christ says otherwise) You are a joke! (Christ says otherwise) Not one person has ever directly said these lies to me, but the thing is, they have said them just with a few word changes and some actions. What have I done in turn? I Believed.

As I go into this new year I am reminded of two things. First, these “monsters” will stop at nothing to catch me and snatch me up. They will continuously call out my name, looking for me to turn my head around, just so that they can capture me. Secondly, I am reminded of God’s Faithfulness through ALL twenty years of my life. He hasn’t once left me, even as I sit in my comfort bubble or when I curl up in fear. The Lord has never forsaken, nor will He ever forsake. I can choose to go into this new year continuing to look behind me and worrying about the future, but my plea first to myself and also to you all is, let’s look ahead to now. Now, where Christ has placed us, where we must Always Glorify Him and tell of His Wondrous Deeds. Ahead to Now is about living our life where we are, not where we have been or where we might be.