This Is Not Easy For Me
I may be an open book, but I cannot say that this stuff I am about to talk about is easy! In fact, it is really scary, because it is something, I fight every day! There are these two fears that the enemy has used to deflate, attack and destroy me. Walking through life crippled because of these fears has caused me to miss out on things. So, what are they?
My TWO GREATEST FEARS are THESE….
First, I am afraid to mess up!
And second, I am afraid of being alone!
The Long Bus Ride
Not that long ago I was on a 17-hour bus ride back from a trip I will never forget, but then this question was posed…what is your greatest fear?
At the time only one of these fears came to me and that was the fear of being alone. I said it confidently and the responses were like, wow, he just got deep on us. And I suppose I did, but I am never sure if people understand just how serious I am. It goes far beyond what it sound. But before I can jump into this fear, I have to talk about my other one.
See if I were to rank these two fears, I would have to put the fear of messing up at number one! It is the fear that has crippled me for the longest time. Because of it I have missed out on so much. In absolutely every aspect of my life this fear has taken me captive at some point. I am my own worst critic and beat myself up over absolutely every little thing and that’s pride!
Fear of Messing Up
This fear starts with fearing I will mess up on God, that I will let Him down or that I will not speak truth! I know that His word says the opposite of what I feel and think but I for some reason I don’t know how to let go of it. It then branches out to other relationships. Beginning with my family. Fortunately, in the past year I have had some tough but beneficial conversations with them about this stuff, so I am in a better place there. But then it gets to my friends, I love them all dearly and can’t face the thought of messing up when it comes to them. I want to love them well; I want to respect them and speak truth into their lives. And then lastly it goes to one of the scariest areas for me…a relationship with a girl!
I am sorry I said that kind of funny! As I am getting older this is something that I do think about and having a rocky past in this area it scares me! I don’t really have much else to say about this particular thing, just that I really don’t want to mess up!
The Fear of Being Alone
Alright so what about my second fear? The truth is both these fears stem from the same root and this one ties in with the last one. I can’t bear the thought of being alone!
My whole life, just like the last one, this has been a constant attack in my life. There have been so many moments in my life where I felt like I was all alone. I believe part of this is the fact that I have battled anxiety throughout my life, but it also is more than that.
And again, it begins with the fear of not being with the Lord forever! I just can’t stomach it! My mind says that if I mess up then I won’t get to be with Him forever and that’s a lie the enemy has been feeding me.
If I Iost my whole family I would be so broken. And growing up having night terrors night after night where that happened makes it all to real!
So, because I always feel like I am messing up when it comes to friendships and relationships, I see the same image of me all alone at the end of the tunnel!
Fear Has No Hold of Me
Alright, I know I just laid everything out there and it is all true. I am terrified! BUT GOD!!!
That is what I am reminded of even in the darkest of times. That God is ALWAYS with me and that He won’t leave me! He has blessed me with a very, very loving family who is there for me. God has blessed me with the most amazing friends who challenge me and care about me and want what’s best for me. He has placed opportunities in my path right now as I am writing this blog that I intend to not waste. And the truth is I will mess up, because I am human and sometimes it will be very hard, but I know that at the end of the day He Loves me! He loves you too and if this is something you fight with, I hope and pray that you will know God loves you so much, He sent His Son Jesus to die on a cross for you. Even though we deserved that penalty!